Total Recall

I don’t like to swear, you know I don’t. But fucking hell what the arsebiscuits have they done to the “remake” of the classic film?

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They say they “reimagined” it. Oh god they really did a good job on that front, I can tell you. Imagine all the best bits from the Arnie film, all the sarcastic lines, the violence, JohnnyCabs and the relentless persecution of the Martian mutants.

Got that?

Good.

Now replace all those with a pile of steaming shite that has nothing to do with mars or mutants but instead a completely bullshit pile of drivel about only two places left on the planet after somebody left a can of baked beans open in the fridge too long: New Federation of Britain, and The Colony. The Colony being Australia. And linked to the former by a bloody tunnel through the earth’s core no less that people commute through to work building robots that have been lifted straight from I, Robot but only more shit.

The girl with the three boobies was introduced about 10 minutes into the remake. Why? I don’t fucking know. The original you could say yes she was mutated and thus had more boobies, but why now? Is it a fashion statement or something? Original he was in a sleazy bar, full of mutated Martians. The new one just came up to him in a future Tescos and flashed him some tits. WTF?

Me, a prefer the original boobies (right hand pic). The new boobies look very saggy. A lot like the script.

And the special effects, although far more swish in this new version, are completely fucking pointless. They are only there to make you go “Oh, a special effect. How marvellous” rather than actually meshing with the plot.

Oh, the plot. Fuck that, the producers/writers must have thought. Let’s just have Colin Farrell, who obviously did something very very bad and has to do community service to pick up this piece of shit voluntarily, running around like a spastic. Completely unable to act. The new Lori, the lovely Kate Beckinsale, must have been really really really desperate for film time. The original had no qualms in killing off Sharon Stone’s version about 3/4 way through. Now they have to keep everybody alive until the end.

And Cohagen? Original, a true bastard; a manipulating scheming son of a bitch. The new one? Oh, I forgot. He was so tame and bland I would rather force my face into a threshing machine than actually waste 5 minutes looking up the arsehole’s name.

And the rebel leader? Yes, Bill Nighy. Yep, and when he got killed I was so happy, mainly because the film was nearing the end.

Strapline on new film should have read: “Is it real or is it recall? no, neither, it’s shite”

Would I pay good money for this remake? No way. Utter shitey bollocks.