Total Recall

I don’t like to swear, you know I don’t. But fucking hell what the arsebiscuits have they done to the “remake” of the classic film?

vs

They say they “reimagined” it. Oh god they really did a good job on that front, I can tell you. Imagine all the best bits from the Arnie film, all the sarcastic lines, the violence, JohnnyCabs and the relentless persecution of the Martian mutants.

Got that?

Good.

Now replace all those with a pile of steaming shite that has nothing to do with mars or mutants but instead a completely bullshit pile of drivel about only two places left on the planet after somebody left a can of baked beans open in the fridge too long: New Federation of Britain, and The Colony. The Colony being Australia. And linked to the former by a bloody tunnel through the earth’s core no less that people commute through to work building robots that have been lifted straight from I, Robot but only more shit.

The girl with the three boobies was introduced about 10 minutes into the remake. Why? I don’t fucking know. The original you could say yes she was mutated and thus had more boobies, but why now? Is it a fashion statement or something? Original he was in a sleazy bar, full of mutated Martians. The new one just came up to him in a future Tescos and flashed him some tits. WTF?

Me, a prefer the original boobies (right hand pic). The new boobies look very saggy. A lot like the script.

And the special effects, although far more swish in this new version, are completely fucking pointless. They are only there to make you go “Oh, a special effect. How marvellous” rather than actually meshing with the plot.

Oh, the plot. Fuck that, the producers/writers must have thought. Let’s just have Colin Farrell, who obviously did something very very bad and has to do community service to pick up this piece of shit voluntarily, running around like a spastic. Completely unable to act. The new Lori, the lovely Kate Beckinsale, must have been really really really desperate for film time. The original had no qualms in killing off Sharon Stone’s version about 3/4 way through. Now they have to keep everybody alive until the end.

And Cohagen? Original, a true bastard; a manipulating scheming son of a bitch. The new one? Oh, I forgot. He was so tame and bland I would rather force my face into a threshing machine than actually waste 5 minutes looking up the arsehole’s name.

And the rebel leader? Yes, Bill Nighy. Yep, and when he got killed I was so happy, mainly because the film was nearing the end.

Strapline on new film should have read: “Is it real or is it recall? no, neither, it’s shite”

Would I pay good money for this remake? No way. Utter shitey bollocks.

Big Poo!

So, how long have you sat on the bog, maybe surfing or playing WordFeud? 20 minutes? Half an hour?

How long do you think it possible before your partner gets concerned with your toilet sitting antics?

Try this one:       

Yes. 2 Years.

It gets worse:

"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," said Bryan Whipple, the sheriff of Ness County. It appeared Pam Babcock's skin had grown around the toilet seat, he added. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself."

At what point do you call somebody? I mean I do tend to sit on the bog for a while, playing games and reading blogs etc. But for fucks sake, what the hell is going on here!???

Shoving pizzas under the door and asking occasionally?

Must be some sort of spaz relationship.

But I think we need to know is where did he go to do a poo over the last 2 years? Out of the window or something??????

More Global Warming Bollocks

Courtesy of a bunch of completely insane politicians over in the US comes this bombshell bollocks:

So global warming now forces women into prostitution.

Lovely.

Insanity details at The Register

Cyclist Scum

I’ve just thought of the reason why average speeds in London have dropped so much over the last few years : Cyclists.

Obvious, isn’t it?

Buses are stuck behind fat-arsed wobbly cyclists doing 8mph.

Of course, the average speed of a cyclist is much higher, because they ignore inconvenient things like RED LIGHTS, ONE WAY STREETS and cycle like a bastard on the pavements all the time.

Each day I get the bus from London Bridge to Liverpool Street and each day I am astounded that more of the bastards aren’t killed each day. They weave in an out of traffic, on the left, the right, on the pavements, through red lights etc.

Look at these twats:

She’s dead. And now what?

Ok, Margaret Thatcher is now dead. What a shocker that was. The mad lefties would expect her to live forever on the spleens of young virgins, I suppose.

But no, they are now trying to uprise against the evilness, if you could call it that, of having your life to yourself, without having to consult your local Union Representative.

So, Saturday:

Poll Tax riots again in London town. WTF is that all about? What the hell will it achieve except to show the “demonstrators” to be a bunch of cunts? Luckily my Clare isn’t working that day.

Of course, the vast vast majority of the unwashed at these places will be born outside of Thatcher’s years of direct influence. But that doesn’t matter, does it? No, let’s have fucking riot with lots of looting. If some mad black drug dealer kicks off a load of riots then what for this? God, I’d have armed the police with shotguns and told them there’s a bonus for each fucker they kill….

So, in summary, a nice riot or 4 or 90 celebrating the death of somebody they never knew. Lovely, isn’t it? Free shoes and TVs. Yay!

Commie wankers.

From whatever happens to the actual burial on Wednesday, I shudder to think. The whole world will be looking at us. What will we be showing them? A dignified (and suppressed if you are of that nature) event, or a bunch of baying leftie bastard scum? I reckon the latter.

But prove me wrong - - please.

On Cyprus

Luckily I have fuck all money in the bank, so they can steal away to their heart’s content. They’ll get exactly what they deserve : Fuck All.

UK Debt

So, we’ve now lost our “coveted” AAA rating. About time too. Why? What with all the CUTS? Surely our debt must be going down, yes? Those poor teachers having to teach sitting in a hole in the ground, the hospitals A&E wards closing, hundreds of thousands of lesbian outreach co-ordinators being sacked*, council services such as bin collections now being on a “can I be arsed” basis?

Little bit here, guys. The DEFICIT is the rate of increase in debt, not the total amount of debt. Or even repaying some of it. Oh no.

Anyway, what are their plans exactly? Nope, I can’t think of any, can you?

So, how goes the DEFICIT… Must be flat, surely, or coming down a bit.

Oops. Nope. It’s going up and up and up and up. And this is per month.

I wish there were some cuts.

Really!

 

 

*er, no. We have more of them. They are core services.

Simplified Tax Form : Care of Ireland

Antisocial Mediator Convicted of Homophobic Abuse

Oh, you really can’t make this stuff up, can you?

Lovely woman, don’t you think?

I wonder what sort of qualification you need to be employed by an “Antisocial Behaviour Mediator” in Thornton Heath these days?

Maybe she thought she had to be a truly antisocial mediator of behaviour?

“Tax everything!” The French say.

For God’s sake.

The above comes from The Register who report that the deranged French socialists want to tax internet providers for hosting “data” by which they mean stuff like photos and facebook status updates.

Is there nothing these mental lefties won’t do? They’re already busy getting rid of all the money earners in their country by trying to tax them to death, and now they want to tax their own citizens to death for using facebook. Oh, but it is facebook who will pay the tax, they cry. Will they fuck.

Do these politicians ever question their own sanity? I know I fucking do!