Sunday, 9 November 2008

We're on Holiday (pt 3)

7th November:

Our aim for today was to see the Magical Kingdom fireworks and parade (kicking off at 8pm) so we didn't leave our Villa until around lunchtime. On way to the parks we popped into McDonalds. Ha. Well, you have to, don't you? Tell you what... their "large" is bloody enormous. The coke "cup" had about 1 litre of stuff in it. The chips were frigging plentiful. My wife had the "regular" which is equivalent to our large back home. Pity the "Southern Style Chicken" was mank as hell.

Back to the Magical Kingdom (or is it the Magic Kingdom? Who knows!) again. This time to see the Fairies. Queue time was 75 minutes for about 5 minutes of Fairy action. Bloody hell, I hate the queues. Our two girls fidgit enough as it is, but getting them to queue for what, for them, seems to be an eternity was stressful.

The Parade was really good. We bagged our spot about 30 mins before it started so were right at the front. The Disney reps kept the kids entertained with various games etc. Both girls really excited when their favourite characters went past and got waved to and kisses blown. Pity that the fireworks were delayed due to "unforeseen circumstances" which we stuck around for a bit until giving up and going home. Typically, when we got to the Monorail station the circumstances were resolved. Bah. We'll go another day.

8th November:

Epcot. Oh fuck. Well, anyway, we got on the Test Track attraction which was really good (8/10). And saw "Honey I shrunk the Audience" 3D film thing (5/10). Also went on the Nemo ride and saw a real life Manatee afterwards. It was eating lettuce. Awesome. Apparently they taste really good with plenty of ketchup.:)

Kids managed to find the "character" area which meant a 30 minute queue again. I must say that Goofy was a particularly miserable little shit today. Maybe his girlfriend was on the blob or something.

Neither of the kids wanted to go on the Space mission thing, which was a bit disappointing. Big wimps. And the "Soarin'" queue was for 90 minutes which was too bloody long. We never went to the "World Showcase" section, where the various chosen countries get to promote their best bits. Have been warned that bit was even crappier. For example, the best we can do in Great Britain is "Harry Ramsdens Fish and Fucking Chips (tm)" in some sort of east end pub. And a "meal" costs something like $25 a head. Fuck that.

On the escape out of the park at around 3pm the queues around "Spaceship Earth" were down to 15 minutes (from the previous 2000 years) so we went on that. Very darkly lit and ultimately shite. Unless you are a big fan of Dame Judy Dench in which case get on there!

Both girls also managed to drop their Raspberry Slush drink on the floor. The first drop managed to get a full 500ml of sugary gunk exploding all over the wife's clothes which, I think, ultimately made her day.

Friday, 7 November 2008

We're on Holiday (pt 2)

6th November:

Went back to the Magical Kingdom today, went on the much vaunted and big wait time "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh" - er. Get the lawyers involved pronto tonto! Utter pants. 50 minute wait to go round a short track with a vague Pooh (in both senses of the word) theme. It was only livened up to slight coma level by the ride breaking down at the exit and thus terrifying the kids into thinking they would have to spend more time on it. Avoid this ride at all costs. "Many" implies more than 1. This ride had none! 0/10

Peter Pan's flight was just the same, except darker and with a crocodile type of theme. Wife got scared because of the "floating over London" bit. But since it didn't have bloody Pooh in it then gets a 1/10 rating.

Mickey's PhilharMagic 3Dmovie thing was good. Same type of special effects as the "Bugs Life" movie. I like these sorts of things therefore it gets a 7/10. Definitely worth seeing.

The Barnstomer at Goofy's Wiseacre Farm is a kiddies rollercoaster. Rather short, not much in the way of death-defying drops. But good for big wimps. 3/10.

Splash Mountain is, as the name suggests involves mountains and water. A nice big drop at the end, you don't get that wet and it has an annnoying "Brer" theme. Kids love it. Went on 5 times over 2 days. 7/10.

Big Thunder Moutain Railroad is fun. Like the Barnstomer but for adults this time. Not overly fast but chuffing fun none the less. Our big girl hated it as it has a dark section, but little one loved it as she is "not scared of anything, Daddy!" 7/10

Toontown Hall of Fame Tent is where you get to meet the Disney Princesses and somesuch other things. Girls loved it. I think this was their best bit so far as they got to spend a few minutes with each of the 3 princesses, privately without hoards of onlookers. If it wasn't for the annoyingly long queue it would get a 10, so 9/10 for this one.

Stitch's Great Escape is in the Futureland bit of the park. No queueus and no Fastpass available. Hmm. I wonder why? Maybe because it is shit. 1/10. Would have got zero but it didn't have Pooh in it.

Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin is an interactive shooty game. You get guns (good), the ability to spin your pod around the place like a muppet (good) and points. A bit short (only 3 or 4 minutes in the game itself shooting stuff) and some nice special effects towards the end. 7/10

Thursday, 6 November 2008

Holiday Disasters

1) Car overheated on way to airport. Will we be able to get home...?
2) Heated pool in Villa broken. Won't be fixed for a few days. Kids pissed off. Me pissed off. The Wife (tm) pissed off.
3) How many toilet trips do women/girls actually bloody need?????
4) Youngest helpfully locked all of the internal doors (from the inside) on day 2. Came home to find we couldn't do Jack. Toilets? Nope. Bedrooms, nope, locked also. Luckily a nice neighbour helped out with one of those funny keys that you need. Our Villa owners had the key stored *inside* one of the lockable rooms. Nice thinking!

Stay tuned for more disasters!


Pool out of action due to broken heat exchanger. Parts not available for 8 weeks. Pissing bastard twat buckets! The water is so cold that nobody can use the thing. Everybody severly pissed off and wanting to punch holes in the walls.

We're on holiday!!

Yes, we've finally arrived and had 3 days in the park and my wife has had her 40th birthday! Can I go home now? No. Not yet. Another 14 days to go!

Here's the story thus far...

2nd Nov : Travel to airport.

Ok, kids excited. Left on time. So far so good. Read the instructions on how to get to airport parking. They were wrong. Ended up asking directions from another airport parking place. They had a huge bundle of "How to get to the other airport parking place cos their instructions are crap" fliers. Finally arrive at the parking place only to find out that the car is overheating.Effing great. Just make it into the BA part of the airport with 1 hour to go. Check in was very good. Very fast. Well done BA! Flight leaves bang on time. Reasonable food. TV entertainment was ok (Wife loved "Mama Mia!" Arrived in Orlando on time. Immigration was great. Friendly guys there corrected the mistakes on my Visa Waiver form etc. Got free upgrade to rental car.Got a Chrysler 300, whatever that is. It's huge. Comes with its own swimming pool and helicopter landing pad. Drove to the villa in Davenport. It's amazing, but the amount of people who drive on the wrong side of the road and who keep meeping their horns. Arrive at villa. Everybody knackered and falls asleep immediately.

3rd November & 4th November:

Woke up and went to Animal Kingdom. Various stuff to do. Liked the Safari, the various 3d type shows (It's tough to be a bug is fantastic!), Kali river rapids (you will get soaked!), and Dinosaur! are great. The worst was the global warming place called Rafiki's Planet Watch. Urgh. Various other things were good but there is a definite Greenie theme going on. Supposedly the weakest park in the portfolio.

5th November:

Big 40th Birthday for The Wife (tm). Went to the Magical Kingdom. Much more fun. There's a number of rollercoasters (went on the Big Thunder Mountain Railway, still have to go on Space Mountain), a log flume ride called Splash Mountain, a couple of 3D things. Once of which is the "Mickey's PhilharMagic" thing. Good 3D effects. Would love to know how they do it.I'm pretty red/green knackered but even I managed to see everything. For some reason, the Peter Pan ride (which was pretty overrated IMO) had a wait time of 50 mins! Kids met Belle and Belle (mine) queued up after the storytime to "meet" her. She loved it. Saw the daytime parade. Kids were overwhelmed! It is certainly a big thing!

Sunday, 19 October 2008


Getting more and more excited about our Big Florida Vacation which is only a couple of weeks away now.

For our rental villa we've received the "rules" and on one page we have the rules around bin collection. Believe it or not, they get their bins emptied twice a week!

Fantastic stuff!

Here it is once a fortnight. If you are lucky and not left your bin lid ajar by 0.01 degrees.

The other rule is that you shouldn't use the pool when there's a thunderstorm going on. Stuff that. If I want to swim in my suit of armour in the middle of a thunderstorm while flying a kite on a copper "string" then I bloody well will do!

Cyclists are idiots!

Yesterday I took my 7 year old daughter down to the park. This involved crossing a relatively busy road in our little town. Get to the crossing, press the button. The lights go red and the green man thing appears, along with beeping. This means that we can cross. So we start crossing.

I look around and see 1 stopped car and a cyclist, who is about 30 feet away from the stop line. No problem.

I'm half way over the road when the cyclist shoots past behind me, with my 7 year old shouting "He didn't stop, Daddy!"

Cyclists are a bunch of twats. They should all be shot. And then stuffed down a drain. A menace. The more that get run over and killed the better!

Saturday, 11 October 2008

Mother gives kids alcohol on school walk

You are a mum. Your 13 year old daughter is going to go on a charity walk for her local school. What do you pack her for food/drink for the arduous 7 mile stroll?

Would it be:

a) A packet of biscuits, 2 cans of coke and an apple;
b) 2 packets of crisps, a peanut butter sandwich and a bottle of orange squash; or
c) No fucking food. 1 bottle of vodka, 3 bottles of wine and 2 alcopops.

Guess what this horrid mother did?

Yes, isn't it marvellous? Of course, she didn't buy it for her daughter alone; she had 2 friends with her. So that makes it all fine and dandy.

Before setting off, they clubbed their pocket money together and asked Mrs Jones [The Mum] to buy them alcohol for the trek

Now, call me old fashioned, but WTF? Do you think that if you had asked your parents for alcohol at this age you would have received nothing less than a clout?

In summary: WTF??????????

Paedophile strangled : Police to spend loads to catch Vigilante

From today's Mail comes the story about a sad lonely old paedo who accidentally got strangled possibly in a revenge attack.

Now, hands up who wants their council tax money wasted on this police investigation. Surely the money would be better spent investigating something more worthwhile. Like the woman involved in my next topic.

Back to the paedo....

Detective Chief Inspector Steve Strong, of Norfolk Police, said: 'The investigation into the death continues and officers are following up a number of lines of inquiry.'


"I'd much rather watch EastEnders though. The Fucker's dead and he was an evil little bastard so who gives a shit anyway?" he added (not)

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

I'd rather have the cash, you bastards!

So our hapless badger chancellor and his rather bendy prime "monster", Mr Cyclops, have pissed £500,000,000,000 up the pub wall again. According to the Mail, this will cost us taxpayers around £16k per head.

Me, I'd rather he gave me a tax cut of £16k. I could then spend this with UK firms who would make a profit and put the money into a bank.

But oh no, let's not do it the easy way. Give the banks lots of cash (via a preference share injection). How did the market react to this wonderful rescue plan? A fucking plummet.

As J.K. Galbraith said of the 1929 crash, “Cause and effect run from the economy to the stock market, never the reverse. In 1929, the economy was headed for trouble,”

Brown and his impotent chancellor of the badgers are trying to fix the former. They should be looking at the latter.


And we closed the FTSE 100 index today lower than when the Labourists seized power in 1997. End to boom and bust, you floppy haired one-eyed pisser?

Tuesday, 7 October 2008

A Recipe for disASSter

Here's the recipe, if you want to try it out at home:

500g of chicken breast
4 pieces of bread (or rolls)
1 jalapeño chillie
4 Naga Jolokia chillies.
2 gallons of milk.
47 loo rolls.

Leave all chillies in the fridge for around 2 weeks until they have dried out.
Cut chicken into bits.
Put bread (or rolls) into blender and make lots of fresh breadcrumbs.
Throw away the jalapeño chillie. That's for wusses.
Put the 4 Naga Jolokia chillies into blender and blend. The breadcrumbs will take on a firey appearance.
Put breadcrumbs and chillies into plastic box.
Add chicken (one bit at a time) and shake to cover with breadcrumbs. You will need a lid.
Put breaded chicken on cooking rack.
Cook for 30 minutes @ 200 C in oven.

To consume:
Eat one.
Utilise milk to remove burning sensation in mouth.
Eat another. Repeat.

WARNING: Do not consume any liquid apart from Milk. This would be bad.

Next day:
Utilise 47 loo rolls and walk like a cowboy for 7 years.

Water Load of Old Bollocks

They are at it again, our wonderous Government. Fed up with all those nasty price rises, fellow consumers? Well the Government are about to fuck you again with massive hikes in water bills, compulsory metering, as told here.

Some choice bits:

Hilary Benn is calling for compulsory metering and price rises in a effort to drive water consumption down by a fifth.

He says that the current daily consumption of 150 litres is unsustainable and should be reduced to 120 litres per person by the year 2030

Crazy environmentalist cretin, isn't he. I mean not only does he have a girl's name, but he's acting like a big hairy arsehead.

Now, remind me. What's the percentage of, say London's water supply, that is lost due to leaky pipes? 10%? 20%? 50%? All of it?

Well, according to this article, it varies by company, but in total around 3.6 billion litres are lost. Each day. Yes, this about that. Each day. Fucking alot, isn't it?

So, how many people in the UK? Let's say 60m. So at 150 litres per day per person that makes consumption of around 9bn. Assuming that everybody uses the same, which we don't. So 9bn is way way high. But good enough for my argument.

Ok, so 9bn litres a day. And the water companies are wasting 3.6bn.

Why don't we concentrate on the leaks instead? Oh no, let's go and punish the consumers and fuck them up good, say the Government Eco Wankers.

Get the rope. I know where the lamppposts are!!!!!

Monday, 6 October 2008


Oh my word!

Let's get all the gays tattooed! Yes. Indeed.

Just listen to the outrage.

Now, how about the tricky decision whether to throw gays off a mountain or just stone them to death. Or both. Yes. Those were the tenants of the "religion" of Islam. And I apologise for capitalising that.

Saturday, 20 September 2008

In the park

A lovely day in the park, the sun is shining, the birds are singing
and there is a distinct lack of paedophiles hiding in the bushes. A
Telford council is interrogating lone adults as to why they are in the
park. Obviously to molest kids in a bush. These days everybody is
guilty by decree from the council Nazis.

They should stick to emptying the bloody bins and keeping the
streetlights on!

Friday, 19 September 2008

Office Star Wars

This is soooooo good!

Tuesday, 16 September 2008

You have to be joking!

From "A tangled web" comes the story that drivers that are stuck in traffic jams will be fined £20 if they leave their engines on.

Calm calm calm.

Blood pressure rising......

What the fucking fuckity fuck is going on??? Why are these people not hanging from lampposts right now???

Fuck this!!!

It's all gone wrong! We're all going to die!

Well, what with the collapse of Lehman Brothers on Monday, the "sell ourselves before it is too late" from Merril Lynch and the recent run on HBOS, AIG and others today, it looks like the world is coming to an end and we're all going to die. If we're lucky.

Luckily this means that the leftie scum we have in government and running the BBC are having multiple orgasms about the "failure of capitalism". Isn't it great that all those rich bankers that the lefties have derrided over the years with their sickeningly big bonuses and avid fondness for expensive cars, servants and multi billion pound houses will now be kicked out of a job and join the rest of the welfare dependents that the righteous lefties crave.

Tax revenue, you say? Oh, I bet they didn't think of that.

Knock on effects in the wider economy? Oh, didn't think of that either, did you?


Saturday, 13 September 2008

Florida Vacation

It is not long now until our Big Florida Vacation. The Wife (tm) is going to be 14,610 days old. That's 40 years if I'm not mistaken. Bloody hell. That's a long time. But then she's much much older than me. I'll only be 13,985 days old then. The kids will be a mere 2,708 and 1,797 days old respectively.

Anyhow, I've booked a villa, with a pool, in Davenport. Tickets for 14 days of mental mayhem are booked. Car hire is booked. Flights are booked. Car parking at Gatwick is booked.

As this is Disney, it looks like I will have to accompany the kids on all the rides, including the rollercoasters and the scary lift (elevator) thing. Oh how boring! :)

Plus there's a space shuttle mission scheduled which we are going to see.

And lots of "let's push mummy/daddy in the pool" things too.

Tesco Prices

In Tescos last night with the Wife (tm) and kids and we were thinking about getting a nice bit of lamb for Sunday roast. We toddle off to the "Lamb Solutions" isle and find a nice leg.

Then I looked at the price.

Fuck off!!

£22 for a leg of lamb? Are they mad? We tutted for a bit then went to the frozen section. That was £1 per kg cheaper but still expensive. Lucky for us we have a freezer full of lamb, beef, "fish fingers", fish and "misc stuff" to keep us going for about a month.

I know the farmers aren't getting the extra income from all the "food inflation".

I think I'll eat chillies with vegetables (chips).

Bloody Rats!

Got a pet rat? Or do you leave mounds of rotting food lying around in your front garden? Well, watch out for being scratched or bitten by one of them. You'll be dead in 2 days!

Wednesday, 10 September 2008


A few weeks ago my fab BFG graphics card (an NVIDIA 8800GTX) went a bit mental and broke. Lots of fuzzy lines on the screen, I couldn't play any games. Bad. Very.

Now, BFG are the sort of company that treats their customers well. And that's why I will always buy BFG cards. Why? Well, they have a 10 year (outside of the US where they have no restriction) replacement guarantee. So I email them, they send back a RMA number and address where to send the card to. Then in today's post arrives the replacement. A 9800GTX+. Hmm. Spot the difference? Yes, it's a different model! Oh my god! They've done me! I'm going to write and complain. Except that the 9800GTX+ is much much faster and better than the 8800GTX. One "generation" up, in fact.

So big thanks go to BFG. They are the best!

In the real world.....

Here's a good letter sent to the Daily Telegraph:

Sir – Public-sector unions are unhappy at the level of pay rises and have been threatening industrial action.

Many in the private sector would be grateful for a rise at all and, in many cases, to be sure of retaining their jobs. I suggest the unions join the real world.
Or fuck off and die.

Indeed, you are completely correct. Why the fuck should I have to pay more taxes (local or general) to fund you? You piece of shit! What we want is investment into something that produces something. You know. Not government waste bullshit. I reckon we could save billions by sacking all you useless shits. If you are that good then get a fucking job you waste of space twats!

Tuesday, 9 September 2008

More Horrific Child Abuse!

Yet again we hear of "systemic failure" in the social services that led to the death of a 17 month old baby boy in North London.

The Daily Mail has the details, if you can be brave enough to read them, but here are the salient points:

● The boy was on the "at risk" register for eight months.
● His "mother" and her "boyfriend" were released on police bail (and had him returned to them) on suspicion of assaulting him.
● He had been seen by doctors (including a piece of shit consultant paediatrician) in the run up to his horrific death.

What happened to him? Oh the usual minor things that social workers and consultant paediatricians wouldn't notice in a 17 month old. Stuff like:

● Eight fractured ribs.
● He had swallowed a broken tooth.
● Two of his fingernails and the tips of two other fingers were missing. A toenail was missing.
● Ulcerated lesions on his scalp and the membrane between his upper lip and gum was torn.

oh and a broken back resulting in paralysis.

Minor things, yes. Hardly noticable at all really. The consultant didn't bother doing an examination because the boy was "miserable and cranky". I bet he fucking was. With 8 broken ribs and a broken back? Not to mention all the other tortures. For fuck sake!!

Now here are things that make me even more angry than usual:

The "mother" and boyfriend can't be named for legal reasons. What fucking legal reasons would those be? This leftie skum government are obsessed with protecting the criminals over the innocent.

And here we read that "The prosecutor also warned the jury that there were 'some unsatisfactory features' in the doctor’s evidence including alterations to her notes after P died a few days after."

Unsatisfactory features??? So a lying piece of shit doctor, doctoring (ha!) her notes. I see that she (Dr Sabah Alzayyat) isn't having her name protected for some bullshit "legal reasons".

This shit makes me mad! I mean, how many more? How many more innocent little children will die because of this government? Nobody takes responsibility anymore? Nobody will be fired, demoted or hung from lampposts over this. Over Victoria Climbie, over the Bulger murderers, over any other depraved act of pure evil!

They, and the council social workers, the doctors involved and support workers should be hung from fucking lampposts. That way people will learn not to be "politically correct" when it comes to ensuring the safety of children.

Sunday, 7 September 2008

Great Waste Disposal Idea!

Our local free newspaper have started promoting a fantastic new idea at how to get around the Bin Nazis.

As you can see, the idea is that we dump all of our crap at the local charity shops. The staff of said shops can then rummage through all the chicken carcasses, used condoms, engine oil, flasks of biological warefare experiments, dead babies, half-eaten pigeons and piles of plastic bottles!

The staff will use their experience in determining how to price up these items and put them in the shop window. Anything they think they won't be able to sell, they will pay for disposal.

So win win for us!

No Soldiers Allowed

It's been around the blog world already, and even in the national media, but a serving soldier was told that he wasn't allowed to stay in a chain of hotels. Isn't that nice?

Why, the Metro Hotel chain, which I've never heard of - that's how successful they are - perhaps they could be more successful by not having fuckwit policies, have been forced into an apology. Why? Because they've been found out, perhaps?

They say it is because they had some trouble with soldiers before and that they are very very sorry. Ok. Maybe they've had trouble with black people, women and one legged lesbians in wheelchairs before but you can bet your big hairy arse that they wouldn't refuse entry to those categories of customer, won't you?

Wednesday, 3 September 2008

Little One at School

Well, it was our little daughter's first day at school and she went in all smiles and with plenty of excitement. Little does she know that the crazed lefties will try and indoctrinate her in the "global warming" claptrap. However, your very own Mr Angry will be there to support her and get her to ask her teachers why they are teaching this as fact whereas it is really a religion.

But anyway, she looked very cute and lovely. She was up at 7am asking whether it was time to go to school etc.

I would post some photos, but as we all know the internet is full of paedos, beardie weirdies and just plain nutters. I fall into the latter category.

Tuesday, 2 September 2008

Why is it.....

I have booked tomorrow off work so I can take my little daughter to
her first day at primary school. I've just left work. So this
basically means that in order to take 1 day off I have to work an
extra 1/2 day. Mental, innit? Or course if I was working in the public
sector (ie a lazy bastard ) there'd be no issue. Bum . Oh well, there
you go.

Monday, 1 September 2008

False alarm

On way home from work early! Why? Given the chop from my investment
banking job?? No, my youngest daughter has knocked herself out on the
coffee table and on herceay to hospital!!!?! More details soon!

Friday, 29 August 2008

Bin Nazis

Well, my wife (tm) has just experienced the new bin crew. The old bin crew (who we gave little gifts from our girls, like chocolates at Easter, and cards at Christmas) have all buggered off to better jobs.

A new crew is on the scene and they are a bunch of Nazi fuckwits.

They turned up around 10am and upon seeing a neighbour putting the last bit of rubbish in their bin said "No, we can't take your bin, mate. You didn't put it out at 7am". WTF?!

Listen up, you contemptible little shits. You are binmen. You are there to wheel a green bin to your truck, press a button, wait 10 seconds and then wheel the empty bin back to where you got it from. You are not there to make our lives crap. We pay your wages!

Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Milliband Threatens Russia

(Pause for audience laughing themselves sick)

Yes, our wonderful "Home Secretary", Mr David Milliband has stepped up to the plate and told Russia in no uncertain terms he has
pledged more action against Russia. "In all international institutions, we will need to review our relations with Russia."

Well, I bet they are all shitting themselves in the Kremlin over that one.

And what does this little turd of a man propose to do if Russia doesn't have its relationship "reviewed"?


As for the consequences of Russia's actions, Mr Miliband said he believed that Moscow is now "less trusted and less respected". He warned against the "tragedy" for Russia of mourning the Soviet Union's collapse and being trapped in history.

Trapped in history. Fuck. I almost crapped myself. How can he be so mean and nasty?

And the other thing I want to know is where is this leftie anti-war protesting over Russia's invasion? Maybe they are all silent because they support it?

Wednesday, 20 August 2008

Weirdie beardy passengers

I'm sitting behind a group of very animated bearded Muslims from
someplace else. I've watched enough documentaries to recognize Arabic.
Very very animated with lots of mentions of "Amerika" and the
occasional "Allahu Akbar" being shouted. Luckily they don't have any
rucksacks so I am probably unlikely to be blown up today.

Tuesday, 19 August 2008


Well, how low can we sink in the quest for "reality tv" eh? That derranged woman, "Jade Goody", being told she has cancer. I mean, come on. Who is sadder? The people making this show or the people watching it? What's next, live executions?

Thursday, 14 August 2008

Another day another dollar

Well as today comes to a close and I sit on the train on the way home
I really must do two things:

1) cancel my AA breakdown cover as it is bloody expensive and we need
to cut down on all non essential expenditure; and

2) buy some dollars before the pound falls any further. Wife is 40
soon and I am taking her and the kids to Florida for a once in a
lifetime holiday. The pound is falling faster than Gordon brown's
popularity (and that's saying something!!!!!)

3) learn to count.

Ho hum!

Monday, 11 August 2008

Russia vs Georgia

Well, on the one hand we have a huge millitary power kicking the shit out of a much much smaller country. Nothing wrong with that, as such. Always best to be on the winning side. However, what annoys me is the limp response from the new "superpower", the EUssr. What a miserable bunch of flacid idiots. On the one hand we have the French, who have already given up to West Bromwich Albion (2nd reserves), and the Germans who are so emasculated and pathetic that Merkel only frightens herself when she looks in the mirror.

The UK? Well, our armed forces are so overstretched and incredibly underfunded that the only "credible" threat we could pose to the Russians is to nuke them (which we won't, and they know it). Plus we'd probably miss and hit Skegness instead. And why can't we have a full time "defence" secretary? Is defence of the realm that low down in our priorities? And what happened to the much better moniker "Secretary for War"? That's title with BALLS!

So, Georgia. Sorry. But as we are a bunch of appeasing surrender monkeys (who eat cheese), you're going to have to all die.

I think even Neville Chamberlain would be ashamed. And that's saying something.

A good quote from "the lone voice" here:

The BBC reported events as "Russia enters Georgia." a case of:
Russia enters.
Israel occupies.
US invades.

Reciprocity is good!

Saturday, 9 August 2008

Illiteracy @ Tesco!

Well, I have this thing about the correct use of the apostrophe. But this is something I never think I would see: Tescos have apparently employed a bunch of illiterate lunatics to promote their stupid "green" campaign.

So stupid are they that not only was this sign submitted for publishing, but that it also got past the crack "advertising and communications" team. They must be on crack.

I must have a wander around to the fruit and vegetables section next time I'm in. I may need to pick up some apple's, banana's and other fruit's.

Monday, 4 August 2008

Idiot Town Planners


Today's rant will be long and full of gratuitous swearing. The subject is idiot town planners.

I live in a little town called Baldock, which rests in the north of Hertfordshire. The main road is a wide thoroughfare with plenty of parking around the ancient market square. Shops, restaurants and pubs festoon this road. And a whopping huge tescos up the south end of the town. More on this later.

The local twats at the council are not happy with this thriving little town. They want to kill it to deth. Like a frog. So, under the guise of making it "green" and "pedestrianised" they are basically going to close the ample close-to-the-shops parking and generally make right pigs arse about the whole project.

Here's the plan: The bit around the memorial is where the restaurants are. Further down are cafes and whatnot. To the north are takeaways, a bank and butchers etc. Not bad so far. Almost normal.

This is view from the "remodelled roundabout" of the map to the bottom left (ish). See, plenty of parking for the restuarants and the chippy.

And this is a view from the other way (bottom left to top right). See plenty of parking, lots of trees, wide roads, not much traffic. Ideal.

Not if you are a local council planning nazi shithead it isn't. A thriving town? Fucking strangle the bastard, they say. Remove the parking. Replace it with "different parking" and drive every visitor to use the large tesco car park further down the map. Maybe they'll say "Sod it, let's shop in Tesco rather than march 1/3 mile down the road".

Talking of Tesco, walking further down the map, on the left hand side if you were, here's what the new style parking will look like. All rather swish, with the newly laid tarmac and shiny kerbs isn't it. And look yonder in the distance. A bus stop.

And, this will become apparently clear why this image is next, here's a lamppost. To hang town planners from. The gits.

Things to note. 1) It's not in the fucking road. 2) Er, nobody hanging from it yet.

Just after the bus-stop we come across this monstrosity. I mean, for fuck's sake, what's going on here?

I mean, the lamppost is in the middle of the fucking parking area. Did nobody even stop to question this? Were the subcontracting idiots chosen by the council to do the work not ring them up in their plush offices and ask, "Er, Guv. 'scuse me bein' a bit dim an' all, but do you really want this lamppost in the middle of the feckin' road or what?"

What a waste of bloody money!

But from Tesco's point of view, this could be a fantastic opportunity to see the rest of the independent shops in my town close. No parking? No custom, basically.

Our council is Liebour? No, it's Tory. You'd expect something different wouldn't you? But in this EUssr climate, would you really?

Get some nooses ready! We've got lampposts to fill!

Saturday, 2 August 2008

Chavtastic Music!

Just sitting on a bench at Stevenage railway station waiting for the family to return from "Oop North" and I noticed a bit of typical chav behaviour. On the other platform were a group of young male chavs who were, for some reason, playing the latest Chav music not through a shoulder-mounted ghetto blaster like in my day. No, they were playing the music through their little tinny mobile phones. It sounded, well, shite.

But that wasn't the weirdest thing. The weirdest thing was that all four of them were playing different music. FFS.

Here's a pic of them:

Friday, 1 August 2008

Tesco cuts recycling incentive

Prior to just recently, our local Tescos had been giving out 1 "point" for every 8 things recycled. You could recycle your collossal plastics collection, bottles, cans etc and get points. And what did those make? Well, a very small amount of cash back, but welcome.

Now, as I drove past tonight on way to buy the essentials such as crisps and a pot noodle, I see that they are now only giving points for recycled cans. Well, stuff all that. I shall now throw my plastic bags, bottles and whatnot into baby polar bear enclosures at the local zoo instead.

And have you seen the price of beef? A cut of "Tesco Quality" beef was going to set me back about £19. Sod off. You're having a laugh.

And anyway, I hope that our local Tescos "deli counter" doesn't get shut down for a month due to a fly infestation again. That would be unfortunate.

Sunday, 27 July 2008

Frog Deth

Last night snoozing was interrupted by our nice little moggies killing a frog to deth. My wife and kids are away for the week and I had probably the worst night's sleep ever. A frog, being killed to deth, makes the most incredible noise. Not a ribbit ribbit, but louder. No, this is a SKWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK type of noise. Who knows what they sound like when the French are ripping their legs off.

Anyhow, lots of frog deth noises at 1am, 2am, 3am etc etc. So I was up and about at 5am because, well, there's not much else I could have been doing.

So, today, I have the following tasks to complete:

1) Dark wash in the cooker.
2) Water the kitchen.
3) Feed the dishwasher.
4) Put the animals away.

Something like that. Er.

Saturday, 26 July 2008

We Subsidise French Electricity Prices

EDF (that's d’Electricité De France to you) is the state-owned electricity provider that has just announced further extortionate increases in prices in the UK. Methinks they are cross-subsidising the French market.

22% price hike? Again. Yes please. We're scum.

Pay As You Throw Bin Taxes

Oh good. I hear that the government is to press ahead with the idea that the more rubbish you generate the more you have to pay in taxes. Of course, it's not us that generate the rubbish that we throw away. I don't believe I have a plastics manufacturing plant in my shed. I don't make tons of cardboard and those little twisty bits of metal that festoon barbie dolls.

No, we don't have a choice here. It comes as part of the item. Buy a bag of apples and you get a plastic bag thing. Buy some "Turkey Drumsticks" from a certain B Matthews and you get a little plastic tray, covered in plastic wrapping and a bit of cardboard.

Buy a flat-packed bit of furniture and you get more polystyrene bits than it would take to kill 2 dozen swans. I know. I've done it!

So let's come up with a way of ripping more bloody tax out of us, thinks the government. Ignore that Glasgow East drubbing we got in the election and where we said we'd listen. That was all a bunch of big hairy cocks. No, we're going to lose the next election so we will punnish the electorate before the event by taxing them to death. Haha. et cetera.

So we can see what will happen:

1) People will start dumping their rubbish in other people's bins.
2) Flytipping increases.
3) More rats and whatnot.
4) More council tax needed for pest control.
5) And bin inspectors.
6) Council starts fining people for putting their bins out too early / late / not aligned at a 34.55 degree angle to the nearest lamppost.
7) Council tax receipts fall as people start hanging politicians from lampposts and refusing to pay.
8) All murderers and rapists released from prison to accommodate the people not paying council tax. Murderers and rapists move into your home and smash everything up.
10) There is no nine.

Something like that. Of course, once the revenue stream for bin taxes is maximised then the shitty little politicians will go for something else. A pay as you dump tax instead. Just think, hundreds of Poo Inspectors riffling through your turds to discover whether you've had your 5 a day vegetables. "Oooh look, Mr Smith of 25 The Avenue hasn't eaten enough sweetcorn today. Ooooh! That's a £50 fine!"

Tuesday, 22 July 2008

Neighbours from hell (part 2)

Well, the tosser next door is at it again - he's watering his garden
with a jet spray with his arsing 1920s music on when my two girls are
trying to get to sleep!

Monday, 21 July 2008

Our Neighbour, the bastard

We have an ongoing "issue" with our neighbours. They are total bastards. They speed along the road without any regard to children playing or our 4 mad cats. Tonight they have taken things 1 further along the road to insanityville by watering their garden. At half past nine at night. With an electric powered jet sprayer. Needless to say the kids were woken up and were a right bunch to get back to sleep again. Luckily another neighbour shouted "Shut the fuck up" or there abouts and the gormless little cunt turned off the jet sprayer and turned up his 1920's music instead. Isn't that just dandy.

Thursday, 17 July 2008

TV shows are "too white" says idiot

Trevor Phillips, our exciting idiot at the top of racial "equality" says that TV shows in the UK are "too white". Hmm.

Some of Britain’s most popular television programmes including the Vicar of Dibley and Who Wants to be a Millionaire have been criticised for being “too white” in a report led by Trevor Phillips, the equality chief.

Yes, do fuck off.

Friday, 11 July 2008

Join me for a beer

It is Friday. It's time for a beer!

However, this may be one of the best anti-drink driving ads:

Maybe we should have this in the UK.

Tube Twat

Today I witnessed something rather funny on the tube. Just entering the Met/Circle/Hammersmith line after the ticket barriers was a man who was smartly dressed, shiny black shoes, one of those haircuts and who hated everybody. He showed this by barging his way into the ticket barrier oblivious of the queues. People tutted, then grinned, chuckled and pointed at him. He didn't notice, the self-obsessed moron.

Why all the laughing? Well, upon his well-pressed suit jacket somebody had stuck a sticker. It was about 3" in diameter. It was yellow with black writing.

It read: "I love cock!"

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

How to get voters to vote.....

Lovely Hazel Blears, who my fellow bloggers refer to as the chipmunk, has come up with a simply spiffing idea to get the turnout in elections up.


Voters in council elections could be rewarded with tickets for prize draws or given stickers, the Government has proposed. Hazel Blears, the Local Government secretary, has published plans for increasing public engagement with councils.

Stickers? Is she pulling my plonker?

Stickers are what we give to kids to reward them for simple things like being good and not killing the cat.

What we're seeing here is yet more evidence of the contempt that politicians of all parties hold us in. Perhaps the reason the turnout is so low is because the people on the ballot paper are a bunch of useless shits that aren't worth voting for?

Chipmunk, sod off.

Monday, 7 July 2008

Kids that don't like foreign food are RACISTS, scream government idiots

Yep, here we go again. I think this must be because they have nothing else better to do because 80%+ of our laws are decided by the EUssr, but the idiots in government are going to brand children (including BABIES) as racists if they say "Yuck" when given foreign food to eat.


Check out this article, some of the quotes below will make you vomit blood. Who voted in this shower of shits?

Guidance to play leaders and nursery teachers advising them to be alert for racist incidents among youngsters in their care.

This could include a child of as young as three who says "yuk" in response to being served unfamiliar foreign food.


The 366-page guide for staff in charge of pre-school children, called Young Children and Racial Justice, warns: "Racist incidents among children in early years settings tend to be around name-calling, casual thoughtless comments and peer group relationships."

366 pages of bullshit! Thank god it is only tax-payers' money being used here. Luckily that grows on bloody trees!

Saturday, 5 July 2008

Moving house? Choose The Fire Service over Pickfords

Well well well. Our local fireman moved home yesterday. He rented a van, he did. Yes, didn't choose Pickfords or some other removal firm. No.

How did he move all of his heavy furniture on his own, I wonder?

Nee naw nee naw etc. Here come his buddies from the local fireshop in their big red fire engine to help out.

Nice that my council tax is being used to subsidise home removals too.

Thursday, 3 July 2008

It's all gone wrong!

Yes, it is time for the good old complete signal failure at Welwyn
Garden Bloody City arse. Managed to get to Hitchin okay but my
connecting service to Cambridge was announced as a Peterborough train.
Typical first capital connect arseholes! It was only by looking at the
signal that I knew it was for Cambridge.

There was the usual chaos at kings cross with complete lack of
communication and diseased crowd control.


Monday, 30 June 2008

I don't think so, Pet.

Here's a good story. Imagine you are a professional psychologist or something. You professionally let a knife maniac out of jail based on some bullshit theory. The lunatic goes and kills somebody. What do you think happens?

a) You hang yourself in shame;
b) You are fired for a disasterous decision that resulted in the death of an innocent civilian; or
c) You sue your employed for £300 grand


English GCSE is a fucking shit bollocks cunt!!!!!

I must first apologise for swearing so much. This is because swearing gratuitously is now admissable in a GCSE "exam". Think I'm a fucking bollock? Well, read this article!

One pupil who wrote 'f*** off' was rewarded for spelling and conveying his meaning accurately in his GCSE English exam

The article is here.

So, thinking back to when you were a young student. If you even slightly wrote the word "FUCK" in your answer to ANY question, what do you think the result would have been?

a) You, and your parents, haulled up in front of the head teacher and you beaten to 1" of your life when you got home.

b) You got 0%

c) You passed the exam.

Well, if you are a twatting arsehole and chose the last answer then you are really a twat.

The phrase 'f*** off' was given in answer to the question 'Describe the room you're sitting in' in a 2006 GCSE paper. It was not punctuated.

You forgot a fucking exclamation mark, you wanker!


One question.

What sort of pissing question is "Describe the room you're sitting in?" I mean. Fucking arse cunts! TWATS! TWATS!

Fucking hell!


Wednesday, 25 June 2008

Drooling idiots

Every day I go from kings cross to moorgate on the tube and every day
I and thousands of other passengers are exposed to the lunacy that is
diversity / political correctness bullshit. London underground think
that hiring a drooling, stuttering twat with a lisp to make
announcements is a good idea. Yes, this unfortunate lady sounds like a
drunken giraffe vommiting into a bucket. The only discernable word is
"doors" and this morning I swear she said "haddock"

Fire all these wastes of space and cut the bloody ticket prices now!

Monday, 23 June 2008


Here's an excellent video showing just how democratic the EUssr really is. My previous post was boring, according to The Wife (tm), but please take a few minutes to watch this.

Saturday, 21 June 2008

Digital shenanigans

Ok so I took advantage of getting Alone in the Dark on digital
download last night. 8 odd gigs. Saved the download to my D drive
which had enough room. When I ran the file it insisted on extracting
to my C drive which didn't have enough space so I had to copy 5 gigs
of stuff to my D drive and then when I ran it again to install to my D
(games) drive that didn't have enough room so I had to put a load of
stuff on DVD. A simple install then ended up taking an hour! Good game
though but it crashed near the start unlike Mass Effect which I played
from start to finish with no crashes at all!

Thursday, 19 June 2008

Crazy inflation

Well, according to the official rate of inflation, things are getting
bad. Up to about 3% which is why I'm paying 100% more water bills,
electricity and gas up some 30% so far this year with warnings they
will to go up another 40% this year and fuel prices going mental - 1
litre of unleaded now costs me £1.21! Mortgage rates are poised to
increase too as banks try to get back into profit after lending huge
sums of money to people with no income and then being upset that they
lost everything in huge multi billion writedowns.....

Isn't life just grand!


Sunday, 15 June 2008

Air Taxes

In April (yes, I know this rant is a bit delayed), I booked flights to Florida in November for a "holiday of a lifetime" for my wife (who is turning 40) and my 2 lovely daughters.

Nothing wrong with that.

Not until you see the huge amount of tax being paid to useless leftist scummy goverments, supposedly for "green" issues. Green as in they're green with envy that somebody has the fortune of earning money to spend as they wish, but not as the leftie scum want.

So look here at the confirmation thingy:

Tickets: £812
Taxes for leftie scum government: £846
Total: £1658

Anybody see anything even slightly unfair here?
AND, just looking at the website again, the price is about £140 higher than when we purchased originally.

Friday, 13 June 2008

Screw the EUssr

Well done to our brove Irish neighbours who have temorarily put the proverbial spanner in the works of the evil EU(ssr) machinations. Gutless Brown (our shameful "prime minister") is still insisting on pushing this bullshit "treaty" through parliament. The scum.

If only I could vote on the EUssr too! I'd vote for leaving.

Tuesday, 3 June 2008

Indian Call Centres

Come on, what's the point? Who are they trying to fool? Yesterday I was called by "Shaun" who sounded as much like your typical Shaun as, say, a gorilla would to related to a snake.

"Hello, my name is Shaun and I am calling on behalf of blah blah blah blah"

"Yes, of course you are. What do you want?"

"Blah blah blah blah"

"No thanks, I'm actually dead."

I must go and play some more GTA4 to relieve all this pent up stress.


Hot on the heals whereby the police tell bible preachers that they can't do so because they are in a muslim area, we get this:

Don't go arresting or prosecuting fanatical muslims. Oh no. Poor dears are just slightly bonkers mental and therefore need a nice spot of therapy. Yes, they aren't the criminals trying to destroy our country. They're the VICTIMS. Poor little things. How dare you have the audacity to get blown up by them! You islamophobe.

All care of our loony leftie / communist statist goverment.

And now we have one who says he was only going to blow up a small bomb as a publicity stunt for this anti-American you-tube film. I mean, for Christ's sake. Am I going mad here??? Where is the outrage from the public over this total and complete bullshit coming out of the government?

Anger level very high! Must go and play GTA4!!!!

Saturday, 24 May 2008

Crazy weekend

Well, it is bank holiday weekend again and the kids are fighting, calling each other fat pigs and eating all the biscuits. Now there is a "shut your cakehole"

Where will it all end? Probably in prison or something...

Meanwhile my mum, who is fast approaching 80 is very poorly. She went to the doctors yesterday who then diagnosed a "cold" and gave her a prescription for antibiotics... Hmm. I am very worried about her. My wife says she is the Dort of person who will "go just like that " and that's probably very true indeed. Fingers crossed she'll bounce back very very soon.

Thursday, 22 May 2008

They're at it again!

Looks like our friendly Muslims are at it again and trying to kill innocent men, women and children. The UK (and Europe) has a very big problem. There's an elephant in the room but the political classes are far too scared to talk about it.

Please place your bets on when the next attack will ocurr. No point asking about a target. We know who that is.

Wednesday, 14 May 2008

Oh yes, this'll help!

Just read that some crazy Imam in Keyna is telling his flock, for what of a better word, not to wear condoms when having sex as this causes Aids. Hmm, how? Well, of course, as we all know, the Americans are infecting condoms with the Aids virus in order to kill Muslims. All makes sense now, doesn't it.

Dear God.

Here's the link. Read and shake your head.

Mind you, at least it makes a change from riots and lynching over voodoo priests or whatever that, through black magic (no, not the chocolates) steal penises.

Is it me or is the world totally mental? I'm going for a lie down now.

Tuesday, 6 May 2008

Local Elections

Well, it has been a good day for punching Labour in the face then following up with opening a chillie-soaked umbrella where the sun doesn't shine.

Yes, it's the local elections where us, the tax-paying electorate, get to vent our fury on the Labour "government". Nothing will change, of course. The government will continue to pass the laws that have been created in the EU and that they cannot amend in any way. The local councils that are not Labour will continue to get their central goverment grants reduced, thereby forcing the local taxes up as a punnishment.

But why so Cynical Mr Angry Ranting Man? Well, we've got 650+ MPs in Parliament who do bugger all every day due to fact that they cannot amend the legislation being forced on the UK from the EU parliament. And they like their expenses. Oh yes.

Then you have the hoards of non-jobs that Labour has created. Such job titles as "Diversity Outreach Coordinator" and others that will make you sick can be found in the Guardian newspaper every week. And we've got thousands of them.

But what is the difference between the Conservatives and Labour parties? Not much that I can see. The Conservatives have pledged to stick to Labour's spending plans. So no tax cuts for me then. And they are both mental on so-called "Global Warming". And they can't really do anything really because the powerbase is Brussels, not Westminster now.

So, any point in democracy?

Jumped up Council Nazis

Well well well. Just when you thought all this political correctness crap couldn't descend anymore into unbelievable bullshit, along comes this story about a father who flew Jolly Roger for daughter's birthday being prosecuted by the local council!

Words just fail me.

Wednesday, 30 April 2008

Global warming may 'stop', scientists predict

Of course it will, because it never bloody started in the first place!

Let's all go and live in a cave!

Monday, 28 April 2008

Beep Beep Beep

This morning I had the displeasure of some mad woman sitting next to me on the train into work. How did I know she was a care in the community case? Well, she was texting somebody with the keytones on. So for 45 minutes I had "beep beep bip bip beep bip beep" going off. It got to the point where I could see other passengers forming vigilante murder hitsquads. Luckily (for her), we arrived in the capital just in time.

Wednesday, 23 April 2008

Solutions Solutions Solutions

I was wandering around in my local Tescos tonight and came across something I'd not yet noticed. A large sign saying "Italian Meal Solutions". What does this mean, exactly?

Perhaps the marketing department of Tescos is barking insane?

"Hey, JimBob, what do we do about the guys wandering around looking for something to eat, say like a pizza? Can we call it 'The Pizza Department?'

"Heck no, Zack, we need to put some buzzwords in there!"

"How about 'Italian Pizza For Lazy Fat Gits Who Can't Be Bothered To Cook'?"

"No, that would alienate our core clients. Namely those fat lazy gits who can't be bothered to cook and would prefer just to microwave everything to death! And the sign would be too big."

"Hey, how about 'Italian Meal Solutions'?"

"Solutions? What's it solutionizing?"

"Er, pizzas?"

"Sounds good to me. Let's rock!!!"

So we've got large trucks with "Supply Chain Solutions" as their catchphrase and now Tescos has gone mental and is trying to put solutions in for our food. It's food, for crying out loud! Hey, I'm hungry! What's the solution? Eat something, you prick!

And what's the deal with having a "catchphrase" or whatever you want to call this particular marketing gimick, on everything? Can't we just have "Bob The Builder" without having, in italics, "Yes We Can" underneath it?

Tuesday, 22 April 2008

John Prescott Is Bullemic

Please forgive my laughing. I mean, John Prescott, the ex Deputy Prime Minister of the UK, who happens to weight about 40 stones, admits to being bullemic. How many bullemia sufferers happen to weigh half a ton, FFS? 

None of them, you self-serving political moron!

"I took refuge in stuffing my face". Of course you did you big fat slug. You made such a complete ballsup of your job, systematically wrecking the country and holding everybody - including your wife when shagging your secretary - in contempt, that you made up for it with shoving chocolate eclairs down your maw, at tax-payers expense. You make me sick. Sorry for the "pun".

Come on. What an insult to those poor unfortunates who are actually suffering from bullemia and not from excess cake consumption. I bet none of them need size XXXXXXXL pants.

Mr Prescott is a total waste of space and should be hung from a lamppost, should a sturdy one be found. And comply with health and safety regulations. Natch.

Sunday, 13 April 2008

Disabled Parking

So, how come the "disabled" (i.e. those scrounging off the state on invalidity benefits) get priority parking everywhere?

It's not fair.

Take today, for example. I take my girls to the swimming pool and the car park is completely stuffed full. Completely, that is, aside from the 20 parking spaces reserved for the disabled, of which 1 is used. And that's probably by a postman going for some squash practice.

Must be some crazed EU directive or something, that x percent of all parking must be for disabled people. Like the disabled are going to go swimming or something. Surely they'd drown in their wheelchairs?

Our local supermarket has an enormous disabled parking area. And it's never got more that 2 or 3 cars in it. What a complete waste.

I say it is time to take a stand against this now! Everybody should park in whatever parking space they want. Anybody tuts, then say "So what. I'm disabled innit!" then go off sick from work for 9 months with a bad back.

Saturday, 5 April 2008

It's April!

Wow. It's April already. That's 2Q08.

Check out this video. It's incredible. But don't watch it if you are scared of heights. El Caminito del Rey (The King's pathway) is a ruined path along the walls of a gorge in Spain. After four people died at the turn of the millennium, the local government closed off the entrances. However this intrepid filmmaker and raving lunatic decided to walk on the wild side.

After all that, laugh at the kitten.

And this has to be the funniest Pixar movie ever. Really really is worth watching. I vomitted blood due to laughing so much.

Hang on. I've not ranted. Er..... well maybe tomorrow!

Friday, 28 March 2008

British Spunk

Only the British would do this. What? Spunk? What a word. Spunk. Anyway, it's a Friday and the weather forecast is rain and more rain. So, let's take the family to an adventure play "land". The one in question was "Gulliver's" near Milton Keynes.

We arrive.

It starts to rain heavily.

What do we British do? Sod the rain, let's get soaked and enjoy ourselves.

Me, as usual, I come prepared with no coat and only a small umbrella. The wife (tm) and kids are dressed more appropriately. That is, they have a coat.

The only thing about going on rides when it is 2 degrees celcious, gale force winds and raining copiously is that you get wet. Very wet. But, full of British Spunk (tm) we don't care and nor do the other Brits there.

Oddly, the park isn't overflowing so there's no waiting on any of the rides so it's the rollercoaster, runaway train (sort of a mini rollercoaster), mad pirate ship, various other rides involving ghost trains and what not, and a exceptionally cold ferris wheel.

Lunch was fun, with only the obligatory spilling of hot chocolate. Price was quite reasonable and the food was good. However, avoid the Cafe as a very small cup of coke was £1.09.

And then there was the log flume. Oh god. Talk about being insane. Sitting in a log boat and being flumed in the pouring rain is, well, rather nuts and also bloody wet. Still, the kids loved it and we went on twice. Remember, going to a theme park in the pouring rain means no queueing!

Still, a good time was had by all. I only was soaked to the skin but the kids loved it all and The Wife (tm) managed to stay mostly damp.

Apparently when it's nice weather the park is mobbed something mental. So I think in all we did the right thing.

Oh, and when we left (5 hours later), the sun came out.

Monday, 24 March 2008


I was in my local superstore this morning and was buffeted (if that's the right phrase) by old codgers doing their usual "run for the cat food" stuff. I'm sure they must eat it. 

And have you noticed that they pay scant respect to anything or anybody but yet demand lots of respect from us "non codgers"?

Maybe, just maybe, if they didn't barge 4 year olds out of the way and fart and piss themselves constantly, they'd get a bit of respect. 

But as it is, they can go chuck themselves in front of the free bus service that they don't appreciate either!

Sunday, 23 March 2008

Cut the Carbons! They are causing Global Warming!

So as I look out of my front door this morning, I see the continued growth of plants that usually thrive in hot countries. There cannot be any clearer indication of how farting cows are causing global warming. Yes, you read that right. Farting Cows.
Actually, that's not quite right. What they said was:

"Britain's finest scientific minds have turned their attention to a problem that they claim is threatening the future of the entire planet - farm animal flatulence"
Let's think about this for a second..... Blame stuff on grass-chewing animals. Perfect. That way the nutters can combine the cult of global warming with veganism, if that's a word.
Actually, no. Hold on again. If this is the sort of crap coming out of Britain's finest scientific minds then surely this is a great opportunity to round them all up, put them in a field and machine-gun the bastards. Why aren't they turning their minds towards more important stuff: cure for cancer; establishing colonies on other planets/moons; eradicating devastating diseases such as Malaria; Solution to the energy crisis and over-dependence on fascist Arab monarchies? Oh no, stuff all that. Let's look at farting farm animals. FFS.
What killed off the dinosaurs? A big meteorite? Farts? I mean, how mentalist must you be to go along with this sort of rubbish?
Anways, back to the bit of snow we've had today. I suspect the entire transport system will have collapsed in a heap. Can't be bothered looking.

Wednesday, 19 March 2008

Council Tax Rises

Oh good. Our annual tax hike and crap service letter has arrived. Hmm, let's read it. Er, no. Let's not. There are too many pamphlets here. Glossy colour jobs. Must have spend a fair bit on them. Perhaps next year they don't do this and can reduce the amount of money they waste. On a tangent, they also send out a quarterly bollocks newsletter 
(colour, of course) telling everybody nothing whatsoever.
Ends up in the bin after 2.1 seconds of thought.

Skipping to the important facts, the council tax has gone up 4.6% this year to a whopping £1,716 and twenty four bloody pence. Utterly unbelievable. Why not just say £1,716.00? FFS. Stuff the 24p up your arse.

Oh look! The amount paid for the "police service" we get has gone up 5%. Why? Who knows! You never see them. Our local police station is only open for a handful of hours a week - and there's probably nobody there - just open up and let the place be ransacked. Who gives a crap. Even our criminals in our little town know this. I suspect most of the crime is done when the copshop is shut. Doh!

So, what do we get for our £1,716.24 a year? Hmm.

  1. Bin collections. Oh, they've just halved them. Oh well, no doubt to save money. But wait! The bi-weekly collections are actually MORE expensive. Doh! Stand by for the increases due to hiring hundreds of rat catchers!
  2. Schools. Leftie indoctrination doesn't come cheap. At least they get free copies of "An Inconvenient Truth", that fictional pile of crud by the failed presidential candidate "Al Gore" who, for some reason, criticises the badness of carbons but jets around the globe like some festering twat.
  3. Outreach workers. You can't have enough of them.
  4. Diversity Co-ordinators. It must be so soul destroying to have a job title like that.
  5. Splurging the remaining money on unneeded road resurfacing in February and March. As you all know, the local government year ends in April so the twats at your local council will spend all the remaining cash on stupid rubbish so that central government doesn't penalise them for coming in under their budget. Just like they are trying to do with schools that end the year with a surplus.
  6. Street lighting. Er. Wow.
For some reason, our council having the responsibility of all of these exciting 6 things need to have dozens of prominent buildings in the centre of town. All refurbished and with free tea, coffee and bloody prostitutes for all I know. Talking for prostitutes, there's a very strong similarity between them and us. We're being totally f*cked and there's nothing we can do about it.

Judge rips woman to pieces!

Then there's the joke:

What do you call a dog with 1 leg?

Heather. Boom boom!

Oh, if only.

Friday, 14 March 2008

Delia Smith

Heard of her? A rather twittish woman who made a load of TV programmes on how to cook. Oh, and sold literally billions of copies of "How to cook a egg!!!!!oneoneone"

These vids will make you laugh. Guaranteed!!!

Spam Caserole
How to Stuff a Chicken
Nice Donner
Deep Fried Mars Bars

Thursday, 13 March 2008

London Underground - The Song

Here's a link to a really funny and rather sweary song. Apologies for the site being leftie scum, but hell, you can't have everything can you?

Just wait until my rant about the twats with pull-along luggage goes up. I'm still so angry about this that my nuts need to be carried around in a wheelbarrow!!!!!!

The Budget

First of all I would like to say that I have been soo very very aaaaangry recently I have been hospitalised. Actually, my wife locked me in the shed and said that if I didn't calm down she's Bobbit me. Never knew she liked Lord of the Rings.

Ho hum.

Anyways. The Budget. That time of year when a lying bag of crap talks bollocks for about 50 minutes and all decent working people end up coughing up even more of their hard earned cash to sponging scum.

And a chancellor called "Darling". I mean, come on. Is this a Blackadder episode? You seriously cannot report about somebody called Darling without snarling and snearing. Well, I can't.

And what's with this guys hair? Can't he even colour-co-ordinate his eyebrows to his hair? White hair and black eyebrows? What is he, a bloody badger? Apologies if you are eating, but what colour are his pubes? Really sorry. But I had to ask. If you do know, please, for God's sake, keep it to yourself.

So, headlines from the budget:

  1. If you are working and not a sponging scum, then more money to be given to sponging scum.
  2. Old and decrepit? Here's an extra £50 a year fuel allowance. Oh, don't worry about the fact that we've removed the 10% income tax level and you'll now start paying tax at 20%. Oh, and the fuel duty and the fact that oil is now $109 a barrel. Hahah. You'll all be dead!
  3. Mustn't mention the £100,000,000,000 (that's £100 billion) we pissed up the wall on the Northern Rock. Gotta save our northern Labour voters.
  4. We'll just borrow a few more billions to balance the books. After all, credit is safe. There isn't a credit crisis.
  5. We forecast that... blah blah bollocks we can. Just look at this table:

Holey shitbags, batman!! They were estimating 4 billion in 2003/4 and ended up with 35.4 billion. If I were that inaccurate at my job I'd be saying "Would you like fries with that?" faster than you can say Sub Prime. And they are estimating 20 Billion for 2007/8. So, with the monumental bollocks previously done this is likely to be £175 Billion.

Time to buy gold.

Oh, but Brown sold all of our gold for around $250 an ounce. What's today's price? Oh yes, just over $1,000. Nice.

As my very good and also very angry fellow blogger, Devil's Kitchen, would say, "Hang them! Hang them all!"

Sunday, 17 February 2008

Bloody Cats!

What is it with these damned creatures? My wife, bless her cotton socks, has 3 cats. One of them is called Vixen. She's black with white tummy. One of them is called Dora. She is black. And one of them is called Daffodil. She is black.

Can I tell them apart? Can I hell? Why didn't she buy different coloured cats, each with their names tattooed in different fluorescent ink so they are visible in the dark?

The cats seem to enjoy a multitude of exciting activities such as:
  1. Killing birds early on Monday morning so when I get up early to go to work I am confronted by bird heads, legs and assorted body parts strewn around the front hall. And as it is Monday morning, I find these delightful offerings with my feet, in the dark. Lovely.
  2. Sleeping on various steps so that I am almost killed falling down the stairs. Evil creatures.
  3. Jumping on my head from the middle of nowhere when I am watching a scary film. It certainly livens procedings up!
  4. Sitting on my keyboard and sending weird messages to my boss.
  5. When I'm playing a particularly good FPS (that's a 1st person shooter PC game...) one or more of the creatures will appear, bite my foot and then spend the next 20 minutes showing me their arses. Yeah, thanks for that, you cat!
  6. Eating.
  7. Farting.
  8. Crapping in other people's gardens.
Although point 8 is probably a good thing, the bad thing is that all the other neighbourhood cats do exactly that, and this ends up with some other people's evil cats crapping in MY garden.

Wednesday, 13 February 2008

Global Warming Claptrap

This makes me very angry. All of this is a pile of crap. Let's see now, yes. Climate Change. Conveniently renamed from Global Warming because the planet isn't warming up, so what do the so-called environmental lunatics do? That's right. Change the crisis from global warming to climate change. And now they want to stop the climate changing! How the hell are they going to do that? Haven't they heard of King Canute? This twat believed it possible to somehow stop the tide. He drowned. Or if he didn't, he should've done to show the world what a fool he was.

Check out a few of these links that show how absolutely crazed these green nutters actually are:

Ban dihydrogen monoxide NOW!

How many recycle bins can you cope with?

Environmental Hysteria! Part1, Part2, Part3.

And this too.

Notice all these types (especially so in the UK) are strangely able to get time off from their jobs to attend rallies, marches, 2 month protests in city centres? What? Jobs? You think they don't have jobs and are Dole Scrounging Scum? My word! Maybe that's the truth!

There are some things that I recommend that you do to counteract these nutjobs:

  1. Set fire to old tyres in your garden.
  2. Eat lots of beans and fart as much as possible.
  3. Campaign strongly to get the lazy back to work so they don't annoy you protesting about global warming.
  4. Stop paying attention to photos proclaiming to show poor polar bears hanging onto icebergs last week when the photo was taken years ago - and in SUMMER..

Filthy Commuting Scum

Well, here we go. I get on my train to go home and what greets me? Is it:

  1. A person from the train company to wish me well on my fun-packed journey home?
  2. An evil-smelling tramp reeking of piss?
  3. A clean carriage and comfortable seats?
  4. What appears to be the aftermath of a food fight between filthy commuting scum?
Hmm. Could be any of those 4, couldn't it?

Let's have a guess using this photo below:

Yes, it is number 4, possibly with a bit of number 2 too! Notice the discarded sandwich boxes (one stuffed under the seat and one left on the "little table thingy"). Also notice the coffee cups too. And, of course, the very sticky floor. The seats are probably wet too.

So what sort of individual would do that, when there's a bin about an arm's stretch away?

Tuesday, 12 February 2008

Women and Ticket Barriers

What is it with these people? They are approaching a ticket barrier along with hundreds of other plebs and it's only when they physically get to the barrier that their teeny weeny little brains decided to rummage through 2 or more handbags (or, worse still, one of those horrid pull-along suitcases on wheels) for their damned ticket!

I mean, it isn't difficult, is it? Have your bloody ticket in your pocket!

What I think their little brains are doing is as follows:
"Shoes, handbags, shoes, nice dresses, shoes, shoes, ticket barrier approaching, shoes, handbags, hair, does my bum look big in these trousers, shoes, hair, shoes, oh at ticket barrier now what should I do? Shoes, ticket barrier, handbag, hair, hair, shoes, shoes, must find ticket, shoes, hair...." etc

Saturday, 9 February 2008

London Underground Waste

If you have ever travelled on the tube (London Underground) you will have immediately noticed one or all of the following things:

  1. There's a bloke carrying a little white lollypop-type stick with a cross on the top. His "job" is to stand around until the signal goes green and then hold this stick in the air for around 20 seconds. For this strenuous job, he'll probably get paid about £20,000. All all these people together and see how much cheaper your ticket would be without doing with his great service. Whatever it is.
  2. Vast numbers of staff whose "job" is to "hang around". They chat with each other about TV from the previous evening etc, usually around the ticket barriers. Although large numbers are now seen crowding around the entrances where they can iratite the shit out of passengers by closing the gates and stopping entry due to "Health And Safety".
  3. Inaudable announcements from people whose first language (or second, or third...) isn't English. These announcements are helped on by being mumbled when a train is approaching the platform. Luckily, the announcements are usually of the type that is bloody obvious to all but the very very stupid: the train is going east/west/north/south and calls at all stations to bloody somewhere. Of course it is. The platform says where the train is going and the little display board tells you how long until it turns up.
  4. The ticket seller behind the little window (if it is open for business, that is) is slower than a retarded snail that's been nailed to a plank. "I'd like a return to Acton Town please" elicits the kind of slow and pained facial expression had I dropped my trousers and done a crap in the Metro newspaper stand.
  5. Idiotic drivers announcements (when they can be bothered to make any) saying "Move down the carriages and make use of all available space". Well, listen here chummy: We can't make use of ALL available space as we'd be in the fecking luggage racks. And of course we're going to move down. I don't want to be next to some fettid hairy dole-scrounging scumbag, and I'm certainly not going to stand in the doorway with a massive suitcase strapped to my back.
Just wait until I get onto my other favourite subject to gormless nobheads who pull "suitcases" on wheels!

Dole Scrounging Scum

Ok, this is my first post so may have to work on the writing style somewhat. But, for my first rant it has to be about dole-scrounging scum. Especially the sort that work (as door-2-door burger sellers, blokes that stand motionless in the street with large placards pointing out that there's a Subway sandwich store to the left, rabbit molestors, cafe waitresses etc). Oh yes. That really gets my goat, and other assorted horsey type of animal.

They usually spend all their time whinging and complaining that they are so poor that they have to shop in one of those cut price supermarkets, but view the contents of their house (which is invariably a 4 bed council house to hold all of their children) you find new bathrooms, replacement kitchens (not that they do any actual cooking - other than reheating a takeaway from the previous night or boiling the kettle for a pot noodle for baby number 5), large flatscreen TVs and a sofa from DFS.

All paid for by yours truly - the working man.

I recently got paid my annual "discretionary" bonus and after working out how much would go to that one-eyed waste of skin (that's Mr Gordon Brown if you are confused) who would then give it all to dole scrounging scum, my blood pressure shot up so much that my eyes popped out of my head and my nuts imploded.

Got to hand it to him though. It's a great way to buy the votes of people who can barely read the big type in The Sun.