Sunday, 27 July 2008

Frog Deth

Last night snoozing was interrupted by our nice little moggies killing a frog to deth. My wife and kids are away for the week and I had probably the worst night's sleep ever. A frog, being killed to deth, makes the most incredible noise. Not a ribbit ribbit, but louder. No, this is a SKWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK type of noise. Who knows what they sound like when the French are ripping their legs off.

Anyhow, lots of frog deth noises at 1am, 2am, 3am etc etc. So I was up and about at 5am because, well, there's not much else I could have been doing.

So, today, I have the following tasks to complete:

1) Dark wash in the cooker.
2) Water the kitchen.
3) Feed the dishwasher.
4) Put the animals away.

Something like that. Er.

Saturday, 26 July 2008

We Subsidise French Electricity Prices

EDF (that's d’Electricité De France to you) is the state-owned electricity provider that has just announced further extortionate increases in prices in the UK. Methinks they are cross-subsidising the French market.

22% price hike? Again. Yes please. We're scum.

Pay As You Throw Bin Taxes

Oh good. I hear that the government is to press ahead with the idea that the more rubbish you generate the more you have to pay in taxes. Of course, it's not us that generate the rubbish that we throw away. I don't believe I have a plastics manufacturing plant in my shed. I don't make tons of cardboard and those little twisty bits of metal that festoon barbie dolls.

No, we don't have a choice here. It comes as part of the item. Buy a bag of apples and you get a plastic bag thing. Buy some "Turkey Drumsticks" from a certain B Matthews and you get a little plastic tray, covered in plastic wrapping and a bit of cardboard.

Buy a flat-packed bit of furniture and you get more polystyrene bits than it would take to kill 2 dozen swans. I know. I've done it!

So let's come up with a way of ripping more bloody tax out of us, thinks the government. Ignore that Glasgow East drubbing we got in the election and where we said we'd listen. That was all a bunch of big hairy cocks. No, we're going to lose the next election so we will punnish the electorate before the event by taxing them to death. Haha. et cetera.

So we can see what will happen:

1) People will start dumping their rubbish in other people's bins.
2) Flytipping increases.
3) More rats and whatnot.
4) More council tax needed for pest control.
5) And bin inspectors.
6) Council starts fining people for putting their bins out too early / late / not aligned at a 34.55 degree angle to the nearest lamppost.
7) Council tax receipts fall as people start hanging politicians from lampposts and refusing to pay.
8) All murderers and rapists released from prison to accommodate the people not paying council tax. Murderers and rapists move into your home and smash everything up.
10) There is no nine.

Something like that. Of course, once the revenue stream for bin taxes is maximised then the shitty little politicians will go for something else. A pay as you dump tax instead. Just think, hundreds of Poo Inspectors riffling through your turds to discover whether you've had your 5 a day vegetables. "Oooh look, Mr Smith of 25 The Avenue hasn't eaten enough sweetcorn today. Ooooh! That's a £50 fine!"

Tuesday, 22 July 2008

Neighbours from hell (part 2)

Well, the tosser next door is at it again - he's watering his garden
with a jet spray with his arsing 1920s music on when my two girls are
trying to get to sleep!

Monday, 21 July 2008

Our Neighbour, the bastard

We have an ongoing "issue" with our neighbours. They are total bastards. They speed along the road without any regard to children playing or our 4 mad cats. Tonight they have taken things 1 further along the road to insanityville by watering their garden. At half past nine at night. With an electric powered jet sprayer. Needless to say the kids were woken up and were a right bunch to get back to sleep again. Luckily another neighbour shouted "Shut the fuck up" or there abouts and the gormless little cunt turned off the jet sprayer and turned up his 1920's music instead. Isn't that just dandy.

Thursday, 17 July 2008

TV shows are "too white" says idiot

Trevor Phillips, our exciting idiot at the top of racial "equality" says that TV shows in the UK are "too white". Hmm.

Some of Britain’s most popular television programmes including the Vicar of Dibley and Who Wants to be a Millionaire have been criticised for being “too white” in a report led by Trevor Phillips, the equality chief.

Yes, do fuck off.

Friday, 11 July 2008

Join me for a beer

It is Friday. It's time for a beer!

However, this may be one of the best anti-drink driving ads:

Maybe we should have this in the UK.

Tube Twat

Today I witnessed something rather funny on the tube. Just entering the Met/Circle/Hammersmith line after the ticket barriers was a man who was smartly dressed, shiny black shoes, one of those haircuts and who hated everybody. He showed this by barging his way into the ticket barrier oblivious of the queues. People tutted, then grinned, chuckled and pointed at him. He didn't notice, the self-obsessed moron.

Why all the laughing? Well, upon his well-pressed suit jacket somebody had stuck a sticker. It was about 3" in diameter. It was yellow with black writing.

It read: "I love cock!"

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

How to get voters to vote.....

Lovely Hazel Blears, who my fellow bloggers refer to as the chipmunk, has come up with a simply spiffing idea to get the turnout in elections up.


Voters in council elections could be rewarded with tickets for prize draws or given stickers, the Government has proposed. Hazel Blears, the Local Government secretary, has published plans for increasing public engagement with councils.

Stickers? Is she pulling my plonker?

Stickers are what we give to kids to reward them for simple things like being good and not killing the cat.

What we're seeing here is yet more evidence of the contempt that politicians of all parties hold us in. Perhaps the reason the turnout is so low is because the people on the ballot paper are a bunch of useless shits that aren't worth voting for?

Chipmunk, sod off.

Monday, 7 July 2008

Kids that don't like foreign food are RACISTS, scream government idiots

Yep, here we go again. I think this must be because they have nothing else better to do because 80%+ of our laws are decided by the EUssr, but the idiots in government are going to brand children (including BABIES) as racists if they say "Yuck" when given foreign food to eat.


Check out this article, some of the quotes below will make you vomit blood. Who voted in this shower of shits?

Guidance to play leaders and nursery teachers advising them to be alert for racist incidents among youngsters in their care.

This could include a child of as young as three who says "yuk" in response to being served unfamiliar foreign food.


The 366-page guide for staff in charge of pre-school children, called Young Children and Racial Justice, warns: "Racist incidents among children in early years settings tend to be around name-calling, casual thoughtless comments and peer group relationships."

366 pages of bullshit! Thank god it is only tax-payers' money being used here. Luckily that grows on bloody trees!

Saturday, 5 July 2008

Moving house? Choose The Fire Service over Pickfords

Well well well. Our local fireman moved home yesterday. He rented a van, he did. Yes, didn't choose Pickfords or some other removal firm. No.

How did he move all of his heavy furniture on his own, I wonder?

Nee naw nee naw etc. Here come his buddies from the local fireshop in their big red fire engine to help out.

Nice that my council tax is being used to subsidise home removals too.

Thursday, 3 July 2008

It's all gone wrong!

Yes, it is time for the good old complete signal failure at Welwyn
Garden Bloody City arse. Managed to get to Hitchin okay but my
connecting service to Cambridge was announced as a Peterborough train.
Typical first capital connect arseholes! It was only by looking at the
signal that I knew it was for Cambridge.

There was the usual chaos at kings cross with complete lack of
communication and diseased crowd control.