Bloody Cats!

What is it with these damned creatures? My wife, bless her cotton socks, has 3 cats. One of them is called Vixen. She's black with white tummy. One of them is called Dora. She is black. And one of them is called Daffodil. She is black.

Can I tell them apart? Can I hell? Why didn't she buy different coloured cats, each with their names tattooed in different fluorescent ink so they are visible in the dark?


        
The cats seem to enjoy a multitude of exciting activities such as:

1. Killing birds early on Monday morning so when I get up early to go to work I am confronted by bird heads, legs and assorted body parts strewn around the front hall. And as it is Monday morning, I find these delightful offerings with my feet, in the dark. Lovely.
   
2. Sleeping on various steps so that I am almost killed falling down the stairs. Evil creatures.
3. Jumping on my head from the middle of nowhere when I am watching a scary film. It certainly livens procedings up!
4. Sitting on my keyboard and sending weird messages to my boss.
5. When I'm playing a particularly good FPS (that's a 1st person shooter PC game...) one or more of the creatures will appear, bite my foot and then spend the next 20 minutes showing me their arses. Yeah, thanks for that, you cat!
6. Eating.
7. Farting.
8. Crapping in other people's gardens.

Although point 8 is probably a good thing, the bad thing is that all the other neighbourhood cats do exactly that, and this ends up with some other people's evil cats crapping in MY garden.