Total Recall

I don’t like to swear, you know I don’t. But fucking hell what the arsebiscuits have they done to the “remake” of the classic film?

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They say they “reimagined” it. Oh god they really did a good job on that front, I can tell you. Imagine all the best bits from the Arnie film, all the sarcastic lines, the violence, JohnnyCabs and the relentless persecution of the Martian mutants.

Got that?

Good.

Now replace all those with a pile of steaming shite that has nothing to do with mars or mutants but instead a completely bullshit pile of drivel about only two places left on the planet after somebody left a can of baked beans open in the fridge too long: New Federation of Britain, and The Colony. The Colony being Australia. And linked to the former by a bloody tunnel through the earth’s core no less that people commute through to work building robots that have been lifted straight from I, Robot but only more shit.

The girl with the three boobies was introduced about 10 minutes into the remake. Why? I don’t fucking know. The original you could say yes she was mutated and thus had more boobies, but why now? Is it a fashion statement or something? Original he was in a sleazy bar, full of mutated Martians. The new one just came up to him in a future Tescos and flashed him some tits. WTF?

Me, a prefer the original boobies (right hand pic). The new boobies look very saggy. A lot like the script.

And the special effects, although far more swish in this new version, are completely fucking pointless. They are only there to make you go “Oh, a special effect. How marvellous” rather than actually meshing with the plot.

Oh, the plot. Fuck that, the producers/writers must have thought. Let’s just have Colin Farrell, who obviously did something very very bad and has to do community service to pick up this piece of shit voluntarily, running around like a spastic. Completely unable to act. The new Lori, the lovely Kate Beckinsale, must have been really really really desperate for film time. The original had no qualms in killing off Sharon Stone’s version about 3/4 way through. Now they have to keep everybody alive until the end.

And Cohagen? Original, a true bastard; a manipulating scheming son of a bitch. The new one? Oh, I forgot. He was so tame and bland I would rather force my face into a threshing machine than actually waste 5 minutes looking up the arsehole’s name.

And the rebel leader? Yes, Bill Nighy. Yep, and when he got killed I was so happy, mainly because the film was nearing the end.

Strapline on new film should have read: “Is it real or is it recall? no, neither, it’s shite”

Would I pay good money for this remake? No way. Utter shitey bollocks.

Big Poo!

So, how long have you sat on the bog, maybe surfing or playing WordFeud? 20 minutes? Half an hour?

How long do you think it possible before your partner gets concerned with your toilet sitting antics?

Try this one:       

Yes. 2 Years.

It gets worse:

"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," said Bryan Whipple, the sheriff of Ness County. It appeared Pam Babcock's skin had grown around the toilet seat, he added. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself."

At what point do you call somebody? I mean I do tend to sit on the bog for a while, playing games and reading blogs etc. But for fucks sake, what the hell is going on here!???

Shoving pizzas under the door and asking occasionally?

Must be some sort of spaz relationship.

But I think we need to know is where did he go to do a poo over the last 2 years? Out of the window or something??????

More Global Warming Bollocks

Courtesy of a bunch of completely insane politicians over in the US comes this bombshell bollocks:

So global warming now forces women into prostitution.

Lovely.

Insanity details at The Register