Friday, 28 March 2008

British Spunk

Only the British would do this. What? Spunk? What a word. Spunk. Anyway, it's a Friday and the weather forecast is rain and more rain. So, let's take the family to an adventure play "land". The one in question was "Gulliver's" near Milton Keynes.

We arrive.

It starts to rain heavily.

What do we British do? Sod the rain, let's get soaked and enjoy ourselves.

Me, as usual, I come prepared with no coat and only a small umbrella. The wife (tm) and kids are dressed more appropriately. That is, they have a coat.

The only thing about going on rides when it is 2 degrees celcious, gale force winds and raining copiously is that you get wet. Very wet. But, full of British Spunk (tm) we don't care and nor do the other Brits there.

Oddly, the park isn't overflowing so there's no waiting on any of the rides so it's the rollercoaster, runaway train (sort of a mini rollercoaster), mad pirate ship, various other rides involving ghost trains and what not, and a exceptionally cold ferris wheel.

Lunch was fun, with only the obligatory spilling of hot chocolate. Price was quite reasonable and the food was good. However, avoid the Cafe as a very small cup of coke was £1.09.

And then there was the log flume. Oh god. Talk about being insane. Sitting in a log boat and being flumed in the pouring rain is, well, rather nuts and also bloody wet. Still, the kids loved it and we went on twice. Remember, going to a theme park in the pouring rain means no queueing!

Still, a good time was had by all. I only was soaked to the skin but the kids loved it all and The Wife (tm) managed to stay mostly damp.

Apparently when it's nice weather the park is mobbed something mental. So I think in all we did the right thing.

Oh, and when we left (5 hours later), the sun came out.

Monday, 24 March 2008


I was in my local superstore this morning and was buffeted (if that's the right phrase) by old codgers doing their usual "run for the cat food" stuff. I'm sure they must eat it. 

And have you noticed that they pay scant respect to anything or anybody but yet demand lots of respect from us "non codgers"?

Maybe, just maybe, if they didn't barge 4 year olds out of the way and fart and piss themselves constantly, they'd get a bit of respect. 

But as it is, they can go chuck themselves in front of the free bus service that they don't appreciate either!

Sunday, 23 March 2008

Cut the Carbons! They are causing Global Warming!

So as I look out of my front door this morning, I see the continued growth of plants that usually thrive in hot countries. There cannot be any clearer indication of how farting cows are causing global warming. Yes, you read that right. Farting Cows.
Actually, that's not quite right. What they said was:

"Britain's finest scientific minds have turned their attention to a problem that they claim is threatening the future of the entire planet - farm animal flatulence"
Let's think about this for a second..... Blame stuff on grass-chewing animals. Perfect. That way the nutters can combine the cult of global warming with veganism, if that's a word.
Actually, no. Hold on again. If this is the sort of crap coming out of Britain's finest scientific minds then surely this is a great opportunity to round them all up, put them in a field and machine-gun the bastards. Why aren't they turning their minds towards more important stuff: cure for cancer; establishing colonies on other planets/moons; eradicating devastating diseases such as Malaria; Solution to the energy crisis and over-dependence on fascist Arab monarchies? Oh no, stuff all that. Let's look at farting farm animals. FFS.
What killed off the dinosaurs? A big meteorite? Farts? I mean, how mentalist must you be to go along with this sort of rubbish?
Anways, back to the bit of snow we've had today. I suspect the entire transport system will have collapsed in a heap. Can't be bothered looking.

Wednesday, 19 March 2008

Council Tax Rises

Oh good. Our annual tax hike and crap service letter has arrived. Hmm, let's read it. Er, no. Let's not. There are too many pamphlets here. Glossy colour jobs. Must have spend a fair bit on them. Perhaps next year they don't do this and can reduce the amount of money they waste. On a tangent, they also send out a quarterly bollocks newsletter 
(colour, of course) telling everybody nothing whatsoever.
Ends up in the bin after 2.1 seconds of thought.

Skipping to the important facts, the council tax has gone up 4.6% this year to a whopping £1,716 and twenty four bloody pence. Utterly unbelievable. Why not just say £1,716.00? FFS. Stuff the 24p up your arse.

Oh look! The amount paid for the "police service" we get has gone up 5%. Why? Who knows! You never see them. Our local police station is only open for a handful of hours a week - and there's probably nobody there - just open up and let the place be ransacked. Who gives a crap. Even our criminals in our little town know this. I suspect most of the crime is done when the copshop is shut. Doh!

So, what do we get for our £1,716.24 a year? Hmm.

  1. Bin collections. Oh, they've just halved them. Oh well, no doubt to save money. But wait! The bi-weekly collections are actually MORE expensive. Doh! Stand by for the increases due to hiring hundreds of rat catchers!
  2. Schools. Leftie indoctrination doesn't come cheap. At least they get free copies of "An Inconvenient Truth", that fictional pile of crud by the failed presidential candidate "Al Gore" who, for some reason, criticises the badness of carbons but jets around the globe like some festering twat.
  3. Outreach workers. You can't have enough of them.
  4. Diversity Co-ordinators. It must be so soul destroying to have a job title like that.
  5. Splurging the remaining money on unneeded road resurfacing in February and March. As you all know, the local government year ends in April so the twats at your local council will spend all the remaining cash on stupid rubbish so that central government doesn't penalise them for coming in under their budget. Just like they are trying to do with schools that end the year with a surplus.
  6. Street lighting. Er. Wow.
For some reason, our council having the responsibility of all of these exciting 6 things need to have dozens of prominent buildings in the centre of town. All refurbished and with free tea, coffee and bloody prostitutes for all I know. Talking for prostitutes, there's a very strong similarity between them and us. We're being totally f*cked and there's nothing we can do about it.

Judge rips woman to pieces!

Then there's the joke:

What do you call a dog with 1 leg?

Heather. Boom boom!

Oh, if only.

Friday, 14 March 2008

Delia Smith

Heard of her? A rather twittish woman who made a load of TV programmes on how to cook. Oh, and sold literally billions of copies of "How to cook a egg!!!!!oneoneone"

These vids will make you laugh. Guaranteed!!!

Spam Caserole
How to Stuff a Chicken
Nice Donner
Deep Fried Mars Bars

Thursday, 13 March 2008

London Underground - The Song

Here's a link to a really funny and rather sweary song. Apologies for the site being leftie scum, but hell, you can't have everything can you?

Just wait until my rant about the twats with pull-along luggage goes up. I'm still so angry about this that my nuts need to be carried around in a wheelbarrow!!!!!!

The Budget

First of all I would like to say that I have been soo very very aaaaangry recently I have been hospitalised. Actually, my wife locked me in the shed and said that if I didn't calm down she's Bobbit me. Never knew she liked Lord of the Rings.

Ho hum.

Anyways. The Budget. That time of year when a lying bag of crap talks bollocks for about 50 minutes and all decent working people end up coughing up even more of their hard earned cash to sponging scum.

And a chancellor called "Darling". I mean, come on. Is this a Blackadder episode? You seriously cannot report about somebody called Darling without snarling and snearing. Well, I can't.

And what's with this guys hair? Can't he even colour-co-ordinate his eyebrows to his hair? White hair and black eyebrows? What is he, a bloody badger? Apologies if you are eating, but what colour are his pubes? Really sorry. But I had to ask. If you do know, please, for God's sake, keep it to yourself.

So, headlines from the budget:

  1. If you are working and not a sponging scum, then more money to be given to sponging scum.
  2. Old and decrepit? Here's an extra £50 a year fuel allowance. Oh, don't worry about the fact that we've removed the 10% income tax level and you'll now start paying tax at 20%. Oh, and the fuel duty and the fact that oil is now $109 a barrel. Hahah. You'll all be dead!
  3. Mustn't mention the £100,000,000,000 (that's £100 billion) we pissed up the wall on the Northern Rock. Gotta save our northern Labour voters.
  4. We'll just borrow a few more billions to balance the books. After all, credit is safe. There isn't a credit crisis.
  5. We forecast that... blah blah bollocks we can. Just look at this table:

Holey shitbags, batman!! They were estimating 4 billion in 2003/4 and ended up with 35.4 billion. If I were that inaccurate at my job I'd be saying "Would you like fries with that?" faster than you can say Sub Prime. And they are estimating 20 Billion for 2007/8. So, with the monumental bollocks previously done this is likely to be £175 Billion.

Time to buy gold.

Oh, but Brown sold all of our gold for around $250 an ounce. What's today's price? Oh yes, just over $1,000. Nice.

As my very good and also very angry fellow blogger, Devil's Kitchen, would say, "Hang them! Hang them all!"