Wednesday, 30 April 2008

Global warming may 'stop', scientists predict

Of course it will, because it never bloody started in the first place!

Let's all go and live in a cave!

Monday, 28 April 2008

Beep Beep Beep

This morning I had the displeasure of some mad woman sitting next to me on the train into work. How did I know she was a care in the community case? Well, she was texting somebody with the keytones on. So for 45 minutes I had "beep beep bip bip beep bip beep" going off. It got to the point where I could see other passengers forming vigilante murder hitsquads. Luckily (for her), we arrived in the capital just in time.

Wednesday, 23 April 2008

Solutions Solutions Solutions

I was wandering around in my local Tescos tonight and came across something I'd not yet noticed. A large sign saying "Italian Meal Solutions". What does this mean, exactly?

Perhaps the marketing department of Tescos is barking insane?

"Hey, JimBob, what do we do about the guys wandering around looking for something to eat, say like a pizza? Can we call it 'The Pizza Department?'

"Heck no, Zack, we need to put some buzzwords in there!"

"How about 'Italian Pizza For Lazy Fat Gits Who Can't Be Bothered To Cook'?"

"No, that would alienate our core clients. Namely those fat lazy gits who can't be bothered to cook and would prefer just to microwave everything to death! And the sign would be too big."

"Hey, how about 'Italian Meal Solutions'?"

"Solutions? What's it solutionizing?"

"Er, pizzas?"

"Sounds good to me. Let's rock!!!"

So we've got large trucks with "Supply Chain Solutions" as their catchphrase and now Tescos has gone mental and is trying to put solutions in for our food. It's food, for crying out loud! Hey, I'm hungry! What's the solution? Eat something, you prick!

And what's the deal with having a "catchphrase" or whatever you want to call this particular marketing gimick, on everything? Can't we just have "Bob The Builder" without having, in italics, "Yes We Can" underneath it?

Tuesday, 22 April 2008

John Prescott Is Bullemic

Please forgive my laughing. I mean, John Prescott, the ex Deputy Prime Minister of the UK, who happens to weight about 40 stones, admits to being bullemic. How many bullemia sufferers happen to weigh half a ton, FFS? 

None of them, you self-serving political moron!

"I took refuge in stuffing my face". Of course you did you big fat slug. You made such a complete ballsup of your job, systematically wrecking the country and holding everybody - including your wife when shagging your secretary - in contempt, that you made up for it with shoving chocolate eclairs down your maw, at tax-payers expense. You make me sick. Sorry for the "pun".

Come on. What an insult to those poor unfortunates who are actually suffering from bullemia and not from excess cake consumption. I bet none of them need size XXXXXXXL pants.

Mr Prescott is a total waste of space and should be hung from a lamppost, should a sturdy one be found. And comply with health and safety regulations. Natch.

Sunday, 13 April 2008

Disabled Parking

So, how come the "disabled" (i.e. those scrounging off the state on invalidity benefits) get priority parking everywhere?

It's not fair.

Take today, for example. I take my girls to the swimming pool and the car park is completely stuffed full. Completely, that is, aside from the 20 parking spaces reserved for the disabled, of which 1 is used. And that's probably by a postman going for some squash practice.

Must be some crazed EU directive or something, that x percent of all parking must be for disabled people. Like the disabled are going to go swimming or something. Surely they'd drown in their wheelchairs?

Our local supermarket has an enormous disabled parking area. And it's never got more that 2 or 3 cars in it. What a complete waste.

I say it is time to take a stand against this now! Everybody should park in whatever parking space they want. Anybody tuts, then say "So what. I'm disabled innit!" then go off sick from work for 9 months with a bad back.

Saturday, 5 April 2008

It's April!

Wow. It's April already. That's 2Q08.

Check out this video. It's incredible. But don't watch it if you are scared of heights. El Caminito del Rey (The King's pathway) is a ruined path along the walls of a gorge in Spain. After four people died at the turn of the millennium, the local government closed off the entrances. However this intrepid filmmaker and raving lunatic decided to walk on the wild side.

After all that, laugh at the kitten.

And this has to be the funniest Pixar movie ever. Really really is worth watching. I vomitted blood due to laughing so much.

Hang on. I've not ranted. Er..... well maybe tomorrow!